swan_90's Xanga

The end is just a beginning.

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 00:28:00 GMT

So this is it.I'm moving! As much as I don't want to, I have to.

Anyway, visit

http://www.freshlybrewedideas.blogspot.com/

to get your daily dose of yours truly.

I won't shut down my xanga and will be back from time to time if I manage to load the page.

New year, new chapter of my life, new blog!

So here's to an awesome 2009 filled with happiness, joy & laughter as well as occasional tears.
Here's to more awesome friendships, crazier times & new experiences.
Here's to an amazing first year at university.
Bring it on!

Oh and sorry for making you all re-link me. I know how irritating that is. My sincere apologies!

Fluffy Pink Butterflies.

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 07:57:08 GMT

Switching from the studying environment to the working environment will ensue in some kind of environment shock for most students I think. The other day I was telling my sister how the environment is just so different. Back in school/college, if classes got too boring or if I was tired from the night before, I could just drop down and sleep and nobody would say anything. But once you're working, you have to be alert or rather look alert and smart at all times.

Interning at Mindshare has been pretty cool so far. I don't have too much work to do and the environment is pretty awesome. Colleagues are pretty sweet and nice seeing as how the celebrated my birthday on my 3rd day of work. Was very touched. You can see a few pictures on my colleague- Astrid's blog.

Interning has only strengthened my belief that you really have to have passion for your job. Otherwise, it's so meaningless and going to work will feel like torture. So boys and girls, choose your jobs wisely next time! Unless you're the type of person that is easily motivated by money and doesn't really care about the job. To that I can only say- to each his own. Whatever floats your boat man!

On the other hand, I finally understand my people who work in an office like going to the gym so much! Sitting at the desk, staring at the computer 9 to 5 can seriously make one pile on the pounds. I think I finally understand the meaning of sedentary lifestyle! It's not like in school where there's so many activities to do and places to be. In the office it's just computer...meetings...more computer and more computer.

Hmmm....there are some days I think having meaningless, repetitive, no-need-to-think punya jobs are so awesome. Because well, there are some days I'm just lazy to think and come up with ideas. Or there are some days where my brain isn't functioning all that well. And then there are other days where I think doing the same thing is so boring and not stimulating nor exciting or even challenging at all! All I can say is, I'm glad I'm still a student. Looks like once I go to uni, I'll appreciate being a student even more! After all it's the last 3 or 4 years os so before I too offically join the madness of the working world.

So this is me, taking a look at the media industry (or a small part of it at least) and seeing if it's right for me. Looks pretty okay so far! I wanna explore more of it though!

You've got a piece of my heart.

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 07:14:22 GMT

Since my other blog in blogspot isn't fully up and running yet. And since the connection to Xanga in the office is so fast...I'll be naughty and do a quick update here. It'll be a picture heavy post. Don't say I didn't warn you!

I can't believe AUSMAT is over already! Sigh. I miss seeing everyone so much! Picture was taken on Graduation Night.

The girls seated at our table minus Kit Mun who was getting her cert. I still can't for life understand why we couldn't have our graduation dinner at some nice hotel. It was help in the MPH instead.

We officially graduated from primary school and college together.

With Joyce.

With my IS teacher- Ms.Nithi. She is a super patient, super nice awesome teacher. Too bad we were lazy to go and look for all the other teachers to take a picture with them. Ah well! I remember we met Mr.Jay at the door when we were going in (we went in late so we could skip all the boring speeches.) and he was hanging around the door, scared to go in coz he was late. It was quite amusing really.

Us with Teik Chi. I like this picture because I think everybody looks nice. Oh and according to Melissa and Andrea and Kit Mun, Teik Chi is going to get us all diamonds and give us money. I am still waiting for my share!!

Missing you guys already!

Candid that was cute. Is it me or did this year pass super duper crazily fast?

Candid taken by Jeff. I <3 it a lot because I look very thin which is such a rare occurance.

My besties in college!

Ka-Yee who looked super HOT on Graduation Night!

We celebrated Melissa's birthday in her house. Helped her cooked the food for everyone and direct everyone to her house. Here she is with mine and Kit Mun's gifts.

The card I made for her. I think she liked it.

Best. Friends. Forever.

Somewhere in the middle of my externals, I went back to KC to collect my money for SPM. Managed to get RM250 instead of the original RM120 I thought I'd get. So yeah...not bad la I suppose.

Saw lots of old friends! Was really happy to see them!

Watching them graduate made me feel a lil' sad too...because at that time I would be graduating very soon also. Plus..looking at them, I dunno. I would be joining them if I hadn't left KC.

Best. Friends
We were wearing our black and silver tinkerbell necklaces together.

I won't say exactly that I miss KC...but I miss the friends. Definitely.

Waiting for the ceremony to start. I was the 3rd to go on stage to get my money. Thank goodness I could at least sit with Adele.

My mou mou and I and her beautiful garden.

Till here for now la. I'll save Langkawi for another day. That is....if I can load Xanga.

Never say never

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 01:40:31 GMT

I learnt something during the past week. Never say never. I told myself when I started Xanga that I would NEVER switch to another blog no matter how many people switched their addresses, no matter how many people told me Xanga was damn slow and my blog took ages to load. I told myself I'd never conform.

Unfortunately, today I have to eat my own words.
Now, let me explain. I can't load Xanga at home. It seems to load FINE when I'm at the office but I can't load it at home. And it's not only me that is experiencing this problem. Loads of other people are experiencing it too! Which probably explains why so many people are closing down their xanga-s and switching to other blog hosting sites.

I say this with SUCH a heavy heart. I will soon be one of them too. I will most probably be switching to blogspot. Once I get my blogspot up and running, I too will succumb and switch.

I feel so sad. Xanga was where I started blogging back in 2005 and I really don't have the heart to leave it. But what to do? If I can't load my own blog then it's quite meaningless already right?

So if ANYONE knows how I can import my old archives into blogspot.. (Is this possible? PLEASE tell me it's possible) I would really appreciate it if you could tell me how. Otherwise, the only thing I can do is put a link to xanga in my new blog.

There's 3 years plus memories here...I can't afford to lose it.

So once I do up my new blog. I will post the link here. (That is, if I can load the page.)

Btw, I'm currently interning at Mindshare, a media company. My office is situated in Menara Millenium right opposite HELP college & the immigration department. If you guys want to join me for lunch you're welcome to come coz my lunch hours are pretty flexible! I'd be super happy! Just drop me a line.

On a sadder note my sister is leaving for Australia again and I am bummed. As usual. Sigh.

And shit my boss just came in..which means I have to start my presentation soon. Shit, I am quite the nervous lo. SIGH. Wish me luck!

Is anybody listening?

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 08:07:01 GMT

Sorry my dah-lings for the delay in putting up the photos. I know I owe lots of people pics. Please bear with me for awhile la kay? I promise I'll put 'em up asap. Been super stressed until all the people at the reflexology place I go to insist I go for body massage the next time I go. They say the condition of my neck, shoulders and back is VERY bad. What to do? All this uni application shiz is making me sprout white hair whey! Anyway, catch you all after externals!

Toodles till then.

The future is bleak.

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 09:41:15 GMT

I have been receiving lots of weird messages from weird people lately. Seriously, how do these people even get my number? I NEVER ever simply give my number out and when I ask them. They say they "hantam". Sigh, how desperate can one get? Lemme illustrate.

Desperate Malay guy (DMG): Blh b'kenaln x?

Me: No reply because I don't kow the number plus even my Malay friends don't sms me in Malay okay?

DMG: (miss calls me several times) [Walau, got the nerve to miss call somemore. Jeez.]

Me: (curious as to how he got my number) How did you get this number?

DMG: Knpe awk nk tau? Sape name awk? [Has the nerve to DEMAND to know my name somemore. I was super pissed off at this stage. HOW DO CREEPY PPL LIKE THESE GET HOLD OF MY NUMBER?!]

Me: (tries to get him to reveal how he got my number) Because it is my right to know how other random ppl get my personal info. So unless u answer my question, I wont' bother answering any of yours.

DMG: Number nie saye hemtm je...so jwb la my question? awk lawa x? klau lawa blh kita b'kwn? (wtf man? So shallow and desperate to the max whey!)

Me: Right, how shallow. No I am not pretty so NO we cannot be friends. Pls do not call or message this no. ever again. Thank u. (See, I am being so civil even though I was damn annoyed. Put thank u somemore!)

DMG: Saya dpt rasekn awk lawa...klau awk tipu awk yg b'dosa...awk skola kat mane? [Sheesh. Which part of 'do not call os message this no. EVER again' did the idiot not understand? And yesh I berdosa BESAR man. Because actually I am damn pretty. *rolls eyes* Didn't bother replying to any of his messages after that even though he continued sending me a series of messages.]

DMG: Nape x balas...?

DMG Awk jngn rasekn saya lelaki sbnrnya saye pompoan. name saya ain. Blh b'kenaln x? [ What the *toot*!? First of all if you really were a 'pompoan', you wouldn't ask people if they're 'lawa' or not when you want to make friends. Plus, what the heck is a 'pompoan'? A cross between a 'pom-pom' and a 'perempuan'? Urgh. Jeez. Still didn't bother replying.]

And finally, this disgusting, desperate dude stops the SMS-es and the miss calls. Thank goodness! However, ANOTHER unknown number started sending SMS-es also. Like wtf man? Has someone been writing my number at Chow Kit toilets or something? JEEZ.

DMG2: Sape name awk? (Miss calls me several times also)

Me: You have the wrong number. Don't sms or call ever again.

DMG2: Jape awk belum jwb soalan saya...sape name awk? [I didn't bother replying and ignored all the messages from the same number]

DMG2: Oke saya x kan kcau awk klau awk ckp sape pakwe awk? Just one question.

I didn't bother replying and ignored all other messages from the same number. And THEN, I started getting calls from random people during random times. Not from the same number and when I answered them, they were either looking for other people or they just said hello and nothing else. There was one point when I got so frustrated that I just yelled super loudly into the phone after I answered and said: YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER!!!

And after that, all the phone calls and messages stopped. These people have too much free time on their hands I tell you. *shakes head*

So anyway, I'm half way through my externals. Two more papers to go till FREEDOM on the 18th. Went to IDP today and that trip made all of us so stressed it wasn't even funny. I don't think the people there are very helpful to be quite honest. I might as well just have done the research on my own. *rolls eyes*

Xanga is being such a bitch lately it's supremely annoying! The page for me to blog won't load so that explains my lack of updates. At one point I seriously considered switching to Blogspot but I just couldn't. Xanga was where I started blogging in 2005 and I didn't have the heart to just leave it like that. So I decided to wait it out and finally, I managed to load the page today! Looks like I don't have to switch. For now.

Lost little girl.

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 14:19:22 GMT

突然间觉得我的心好痛。呼吸变得很困难。

我真的觉得自己很没有用。今天我在想，这一年来我到底做了些什么？变成了什么样的人？我才发现我今年好像什么也没达成。不但如此，我还发现我已变成了令一个人似的。现在这个自己是我最不想变成的一个人。唉, 觉得我真的很失败！

难道我能做的就只有这样吗？难道说我的最好的表现就只有这样吗？难道我就只有这样吗？

我发觉到我今年变得更胆小。什么都不敢尝试，什么都不敢做。我一直在问自己，以前那个陈淑莞去了哪里？以前那个充满自信，什么都敢试的女孩去了哪里？我自己也不知道。我只希望尽快能早回她而已。不然，我就会继续这种没有任何意义的存在。我不想这样呆下去。。。真的真的不想。

I'm sorry if your don't understand Chinese. I just felt like writing a chinese post to practice my Chinese because I feel that I'm forgetting how to read and write properly. I don't want 12 years of education to go to waste. Sometimes I feel that I am a complete failure bringing down the reputation and good name of chinese schools. Chinese school students are supposed to have impeccable Chinese or at least be able to express themselves well in the language used by their ancestors and the language that is used as the main medium of teaching. Plus Chinese school students are supposed to ace Math. And unsurprisingly I am neither. I sometimes feel embarassed to say that I come from a Chinese school because I think I don't meet the requirements to be a Chinese school student. It amazes me how I managed to survive all those years without completely failing my Chinese.

So once again I feel like a complete failure. Oh not just because I feel that I'm dragging the good name of Chinese students in mud. It's much more than that I assure you. On so many levels I feel that I have failed as a person, a daughter, a friend, a student. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself, the person I've become.

I guess I really am my worst critic.

And yet again, I've found out that I can't write. Or at least, not as well as I think or could. Or should I say not as well as I aspire to be? I honestly do not know. I just want to scream my lungs out at the moment. My willpower is zero, I am a complete failure and I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

So what's new?

Halo.

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 13:07:31 GMT

All betrayals begin with trust.

I came across this quote the other day and the truth of the quote struck me like a bolt of lightning. If you think about it, for someone to betray you or rather, for you to feel like you've been betrayed, it must be because you trusted that person and he or she did something that made you lose you trust in him/her. Something that you've never thought that someone would do. Something that made you feel so disappointed, sad, angry and foolish for ever thinking you could trust that person. Something you find hard to forgive and will make you think twice before ever trusting that person again. Isn't it ironic that something as bad as betrayal could be the result of something so good such as trust?

I want to trust, to believe that people deserve second chances and my trust. I want to believe that there is still some good people in this world and that they are around us. Tangible, real. But it's so hard to believe when time again, I've been proven wrong. These people are truly like needles in a haystack.

I'm afraid to trust. Every time I step out, thinking that I'm going to cross that road that'll make me believe the world is good, a car comes whizzing by at full speed and I step back again. I'm starting to think I might never cross that road at all.

How I wish we could all be little kids again. When nothing could be bad in the world and we could trust someone so much, we'd put our life in their hands.

Down the drain.

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 05:21:34 GMT

A lot of things were on her mind that day. The face that she was taking her accounting exam in less than two hours was making her feel supremely uneasy. She was after all, thoroughly confused about cash flow statements and cash budgets after getting them all mixed up while trying to cram it into her already fried brain the night before. She had a feeling of apprehension, as if something was not quite right. And true enough, after picking her friend up and turning onto Kesas to get to college, suddenly, three cars in front of her emergency braked for seemingly no reason at all. They were on the highway for goodness sake! Right after a turning. It's not like some stray cat or dog could suddenly appear right in front of the cars now isn't it? Nevertheless, she emergency breaked while feeling a sense of deja-vu as if she'd seen this scene before. A million things flashed through her mind at that instant- how if there was an accident she'd be late for her accounting exam, how if there was an accident she'd make her friend late for classes since her class starts at 8, how she, as the driver, felt responsible for her mom and her friend who were her passengers if an accident happened.

As the car in front of her loomed closer and closer...she stepped on the brakes like there was no tomorrow and braced herself for a hard, loud, BANG. After all, the second car had already crashed into the first car who emergency braked and the car in front of her was just coming to a stop.

The collision didn't come and she heaved a sigh of relief while apologizing for braking so abruptly. She had managed to stop in time. However, two seconds later she felt her heart skip a heartbeat as the car behind her crashed into hers with a hard loud BANG. Her car lurched forward but thank goodness she had still a little distance from the car in front or she would have kissed the bumper of the car in front of her too. All the cars behind started to honk like crazy because the entire lane was jammed up due to four cars being involved in an accident cause by some stupid aunty who decided it would be fun to emergency brake for no reason.

Her heart sank as she drove her car to the side of the road as a whirring sound could be heard. Thank goodness when she inspcted the damage it was only the bumper that had been knocked out of place and she managed to make it to college on time with her heart racing.

And that was my first minor accident in my baby tortoise. As luck would have had it, the aunty who banged my car recognized my mom as her sister's son's tuition teacher and agreed to pay so no worries there. Cost about RM430 to fix my tortoise. Sigh,as my mom says, this is a classic case of you being careful on the road but other people being careless.

Anyway, I'm sorry for my short hiatus. I was busy with my mock exams which I screwed up so badly, I don't even want to think about getting back the results. They can keep it for the rest of my life for all I care. Urgh. I think I'm going to just dig a hole and bury myself in it. Sigh.

PS: For those of you who've been asking, my baby tortoise is my green coloured Myvi. Well it's not exactly mine larh, but it's the car I drive. It's all fixed now and looks as good as new!

The hum of the engine...

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 14:08:37 GMT

I like my crazy friends!

A random day at college...

Siok Yean's surprise birthday party that terbocor-ed. Ah well, we tried. That's one of her presents btw and we were at Steven's Corner mind you.

RiHao's present. We were so noisy that day all the other people in Steven's must have hated us!

Told you they're crazy!

Just some little memories I want to keep and treasure.